ANDIKA CHALLENGE
5 Tips to Stay Connected in Love
Rekindling your connection and building a secure relationship
How does that old saying go?
“Pay heed to the tales of old wives. It may well be that they alone keep in memory what it was once needful for the wise to know.”
— The Lord of the Rings
This week I stumbled upon an interesting Asian myth: The Red Thread of Fate. According to Chinese legend, a love deity connects two destined lovers by an invisible red thread. Bound by fate itself, the lovers are destined to meet regardless of place, time, or circumstances. There’s more. The magical cord may stretch or tangle but it never breaks!
“Invisible threads are the strongest ties.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Do you ever question whether you were destined to meet your partner? “We are soulmates” is a popular phrase couples use to imply their fate was long written in the stars. While the idea of finding a destined lover can be quite a romantic merry-go-round, the sad truth is that the grass is not effortlessly greener on the other side.
The misconstrued thought that failed romantic relationships were simply not meant to be is a lazy outlook on love. I bet as soon as the love deity is done linking pinky fingers, some of us are in for a smacking!
Why do couples need to stay connected?
Intimate relationships are moulded from a deep connection but thrive when this connection is maintained. A healthy connection is no doubt the basis for a secure relationship.
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued”.
— Dr. Brené Brown
The foundation upon which your partnership is built may be solid but it’s almost certain that there will be times when you and your partner will drift apart. This is why couples go through periods where they feel a little distant or out-of-sync.
“Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.”
Like most things in life, relationships also need maintenance. When you think of purchasing a car, you definitely think of its maintenance. Where can you get spare parts? What do regular service charges look like? Relationships also need to be viewed through a similar lens.
What do we need to do to stay connected?
This is a question couples need to ask themselves often. What do you do when you notice a drift between you and your partner? Take a deep breath and hope it resolves itself? Or do you make an intentional effort to reconnect? If you don’t already have ways to reconnect, there’s no time like the present to reignite the sparks. Here are a few tips:
1. Stay curious
Why do we date? When you meet someone you find oddly attractive, you tend to be curious. What does she like? What does he do for a living? Curiosity, curiosity, curiosity! Couples tend to start out strong — constantly asking questions, fascinated by each other’s interests — but eventually stop exploring each other. One of the greatest struggles in long term partnerships is staying curious. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes you don’t lose interest. You simply stop asking questions. Staying curious allows you to keep learning about your partner as they grow. How well do you know your partner? Take this quiz to find out.
“Never put your foot off the gas!”
— Salt & Pepper Values
2. Build enriching boundaries
Have you ever questioned whether or not your partner values you? Perhaps their actions often trigger this sentiment. But why are boundaries essential in relationships?
This may sound counterintuitive, however, healthy boundaries can deepen your connection and enrich your relationship. They are an opportunity to individuate and create a foundation of respect in your togetherness.
Healthy boundaries are a non-negotiable component of happy relationships. They help partners feel loved, valued, and respected. While boundaries may be difficult to define, the alternative would be entertaining relationships with no regard for your needs and limits. Now, who would want that?
When partners respect each other’s boundaries, they foster an even deeper connection. Here are a few boundary-setting tips I am currently learning:
Know your boundaries
What are your deal breakers? Ask yourself: what grinds my gears? For example, I can not stand the use of cellphones on dates. It comes across as rude and flags a lack of interest.
Boundaries are a reflection of self-respect. What are your boundaries? Here’s a good way to figure out your own boundaries. Whenever something drains you emotionally or requires you to compromise your values then you need a boundary.
“Your boundaries are yours to protect, not for others to respect. Define them, protect them.”
— Princely H. Glorious
Communicate your boundaries
Don’t wait for your partner to cross the line. Clearly state your boundaries. Tell them why it is important to you, how you will feel and what you will do if it isn’t respected. Communicating your expectations allows your partner to make an active choice on how they act.
Follow through with the consequences
Are you willing to follow through with the consequences? What happens when your partner crosses a boundary? It is important for partners to follow through with the consequences. Not doing so sends a message that it’s okay not to respect your boundaries. So why bother expressing them?
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start.”
— Charles Bukowski
3. Break down connection barriers
Ultimately all connections require intentional effort to break down the walls we put up for whatever underlying reasons. Contrary to popular belief, when you shy away from your emotions, they don’t get buried in your psyche. They come to light — explode — through bursts of anger, protective defenses or barriers like stone-walling and criticism of your partner. Take the time to explore all the traits preventing you from forming a deeper connection. Embrace the fear of being misunderstood and let down. Be kind to your partner while you let them in.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
— Rumi
4. Create Relationship Rituals
One powerful way to elevate your connection is repeatedly spending intentional time with your partner. While it is easy to see routines as boring, their solid foundation offer structure and predictability to our lives. Relationship rituals take routines one magical step further. Rituals are routines with creativity and intention.
Like clockwork, every evening for the past 31 years, my father and mother sit in the living room and have a stress-reducing conversation about their days. They use this time to gossip (my dad will kill me for saying this), catch up, vent, and connect. Then they watch the news. Rain or shine, great day or tragic, they have their evening meal together and catch up. This routine keeps their commitment and connection alive.
Spending purposeful time together does wonders for your connection. These rituals could be as simple as my parents’ evening conversations or taking daily walks together. This also includes anything you can do together creatively and routinely — like date nights, celebrating anniversaries, gifting, writing together.
“A relationship is a story. Rituals help to punctuate that story.”
— Esther Perel
Here are three great resources I have found on enriching your shared life with rituals:
- The Gottmans have an insightful article with 5 ideas for rituals you and your partner can try.
- The Moon Lists website was born out of the founder’s family tradition of using a set of questions to observe their inner lives together every month.
- Esther Perel gave a beautiful talk with even more ideas for rituals. You can watch a 3-minute cut of it here. I loved the idea of building pillow forts together!
“Rituals keep us from forgetting what must not be forgotten and keep us rooted in a past from which we must not be disconnected.”
— Tony Campolo
5. Make time for Fondness and Admiration
Happy, connected couples like each other. This sounds obvious — yet how many people in long term relationships do you know that can’t stand each other? How many more do you know who would prefer to spend more time with their boys or girls than with their partners?
Happy, connected couples don’t just love each other, they like each other. They love the other’s company. They think highly of their partner. They’d want them around even if they were not together. They believe their partner is a likable and respectable person.
Nearly all of us start relationships believing this — that our partner is interesting, admirable, attractive and a great person to spend time with. We like them. But somewhere along the lines we lose this.
Researchers John & Julie Gottman are renowned for their work on marital stability and building healthy relationships. They’ve found that couples who nurture their fondness and admiration for each other can accept each other more fully. We are all just a blend of strength and weakness — having a fondness and admiration system allows you to accept your partners weaknesses, and make your connection less fragile.
“Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”
— Dr. John Gottman
Fondness and admiration also guard against contempt. Too often, being too close to a person for too long breeds contempt. Contempt is dangerous. The Gottmans findings list this as the single greatest predictor of divorce and relationship failure.
The good news is: if you and your partner can find even a tiny bit of your original coal of fondness and admiration, you can fan it into a flame.
Build a fondness and admiration system for your relationship that allows you to see your partner as a fundamentally likeable, respectable and good human — even in the midst of your difficulties.
Communicate your partner’s admirable qualities to them frequently. Remind yourself and them why you like them, admire them. Retell your story to each other — rekindling your deep-seated appreciation of each other by remembering happy memories. Putting a positive spin on your history gives you a solid foundation for the future. Frame your partner and their actions positively. Appreciation breeds admiration.
How often do we say, “Thanks for doing the dishes,” or “I love how you look when you’re nursing Mary”? It’s words like these that we need to say, often. They shouldn’t stay bottled up inside us. Admiration and fondness, when they are outwardly expressed, go a long way toward creating a culture of appreciation in our homes — that’s the antidote for contempt
— Dr. John Gottman
Couples often connect when they are happy — during the good times like dates and vacations. It’s easy to stay connected when you’re both having a good time. A happy couple stays connected by putting in extra effort during trying times. Are you happy in your relationship, or can your relationship benefit from these tips?
“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.”
— William James
